Hello ... Anyone Still Out There?

I have been going through a rough patch in my life that blogging has been pushed to the back burner. I cook, I bake, I take photos and edit them, but every time I sit in front of my computer to write about a particular recipe, I can't find the words to describe how wonderful something was.

I have the right words in my head but I don't know how to transpose them on paper or express them verbally. I thought that maybe I should write about what is currently going on in my life. Sometimes sharing will help you move on.

I have mentioned before that my mom is sick. She has a stage four brain tumour that can't be treated. The doctors had told us that she has 6 to 12 months to live. I'm grateful that I was able to visit her for a few weeks back in May. I had gone alone and when I was there she told me that she wanted to see the kids one more time. This is a wish that I intend to keep. I will head back with the kids sometime this summer.

Through my mom's illness, I was able to feel a bit of happiness when I found out that I was expecting my fourth child earlier this spring. It was an unplanned pregnancy but a welcomed one none-the-less. I figured that if the baby was a girl, then I would name her after my mom. I have three beautiful boys who are fair-haired and brown-eyed like their father. I dreamed that the baby would have dark curly hair and big brown eyes like me. I was over the moon that I was going to have a Christmas baby.

Well, God had other plans for us. On June 4th, I miscarried at 13 weeks. I couldn't understand why it happened, since I had never miscarried before. I pondered if it was the long trip I took to Canada a few weeks before; or if it was my physically demanding job as pastry chef; or could have I possibly done something wrong for the miscarriage to happen? I had a candid conversation with my gynaecologist, and he said that it was none of those. Sometimes it just happens. He told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to see my mom.

I took a couple of weeks off work to mourn and heal. A few days after I had the surgery (curettage), my oldest son came home from school and told me that his teacher had found head lice on him. Those who have dealt with head lice, know what a nightmare it is to get rid of them. I checked everyone's heads (besides my husband's ... he was away on business travel for most of the week) and we all had them.

I went out and bought shampoo and the fine toothed comb to get rid of the lice; I bagged all pillows, blankets, bedsheets, and plush toys; and I washed everything in hot water. Combs and brushes were sterilized after each use. Towels, bedsheets and pillow cases were washed on a daily basis. And I checked the boys hair every morning and night to nits and lice. Almost a week and half later, I have it under control with the boys, but I am still trying to get rid of mine.

This really has been a nightmare and I haven't mourned the loss of my baby the way I had hoped for. There are times that I feel overwhelmed and that I am swimming under water. I'm waiting for this moment to pass, so I can heal and be the mom my kids deserve. They give me strength and courage to keep going. They are my world and my life, and I am grateful for my little ones.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. God bless.